Sticks and Stones

I'm not naive enough to think that everyone likes me--I'm confident I rub people the wrong way all the time! I'm loud, I sometimes tend to be a bit crass. I laugh when adults (and children) fall down.  I am always thinking of the very WORST that could happen and then forming contingency plans to deal with it. But for the most part, I think the people who know me, well, KNOW ME. Perhaps like me the way I am. Or perhaps not. Maybe I'm not making any sense. 

What I am trying to say is that you bop along in life, many times on your best behavior. You're kind to people, very specifically considerate and then you figure out, to some of them, it's just not enough. That's happened to me lately, and it's tough because I start to doubt myself. Am I enough? Maybe they are just tolerating me because on some level they have to? Am I so bad that I need constant correction? 

What I really should be considering is that maybe the problem isn't necessarily me, but, while that sounds nice on paper, the feelings of inadequacy still worm their way in. And fester.

Read it and Weep

Yesterday I went to my doctor for a check-up and in the waiting room sat me, Annie, and another man. We were both waiting for the staff to give us the clipboards with all the usual paperwork and when they finally did, the gentleman commented that he couldn't fill it out because he didn't know how to read. I offered to fill out his paperwork for him, and he said sure.

I know illiteracy is pretty common around here, but this was honestly the first time I'd ever really experienced it--and it left me feeling sad.

Hormones

I am a real piece of work. The medication I'm on for the issue I blogged about in November has really amped up my, shall we say, "less optimistic" side. I have good days and not so good days. Today is one of the latter.

Things that routinely irritate me are much more pronounced. Stuff that normally irks me (but I manage to squelch) are now bubbling to the top. My self-monitor is almost non-existent; the things I need to do are seemingly impossible.

For example, right now across the room, my husband is quietly playing music on ITunes. If there was a shoe within my reach, I would ponder the pros and cons of throwing it at him to make the music stop. Out of line? Absolutely. But, it's how I feel. And on some level, it seems reasonable as I have told him I need some quiet to maintain my sanity this evening. But, now Creed is "taking me higher" and I feel like throwing footwear. I think I hate the band Creed.

This is going to be a long six months.