Whatcha gonna do with all that junk--all that junk inside your trunk?

I had my fourth injection today as part of my treatment for an issue I blogged about back in October or November. With these injections come a host of side effects--I've blogged about those before too. 

Well, it's official. Weight gain is now part of the mix. Since January, I've gained ten pounds. All of it is in my belly or booty. Here's what I know for sure: 10 pounds makes one heck of a muffin top.

I've got two more injections after today so I'm exactly half-way thru this process and I am absolutely terrified I'll gain another 10 pounds. I'm already at my all-time high and I can't fit into anything. My emotions/hormones are out of whack anyway and this just makes it worse. I am ravenously hungry all the time, for sweets (read: chocolate) mostly. The nurse told me today that this is typical and she sees it a lot with patients on this medicine. I'm trying to remain positive, that this will pass and drop off after the medication is finished. But what if it doesn't? 

I guess I'll have to order a tape worm off the internet.

White Hood Follow-up

Check out this news story that happened just days after I posted my last blog. You'll have to copy and paste the link into your browser:

www.tampabay.com/news/politics/local/article973513.ece

WOW. Same email forward, same "sorry I offended you" business, but with an actual consequence. 

Can You Forward Me That White Hood, Please?

I don't even know how to begin this entry. So I'll just start. A racist email was forwarded to me. It was a question, a simple one-liner--"How can 2 Million (insert color of skin here)..." Not only was it racist, it was especially callous in that also made light of the Hurricane Katrina tragedy. The individual who sent it to me forwarded it to a ton of other people as well, many of whom I know, a few I know of, and some I don't know at all.  I was MORTIFIED.

First, I was shocked that this person would think I was the type who enjoyed a racist joke. Then I was more shocked when I realized how many people would see my name in the "TO" list, thereby making the assumption that I, too, approved of this type of "humor." And, moreover, there were people on the list of  whom I immediately thought, "do they enjoy racist jokes and I just didn't know it?" The whole thing, to be honest, enraged me. And I felt the need to speak up. My husband, ever prudent, told me to sleep on it. So, after my blood pressure went back down, I took a nap.

And then I hit "reply to all." I worked on the draft for 30-45 minutes before I finally sent it out. I tried to make my point as delicately as possible, focusing on how I felt and not using the term "racist," as I am sure no one likes to be called that. Well, here. Just read what I wrote for yourself:

Dear Friends,

I don't know all of you but I wanted to reply to all because if we ever meet, I want you to know the following about me:

The so-called "Big Question" we were emailed below made me sick to my stomach. Some think it is okay to say things like that because it's a "joke," but comparing the situation of low-income people suffering through a horrendous natural disaster with the historic inauguration of an African-American President shows not only a bad sense of humor but a bad sense of humanity.

I'm sure this was sent in innocent fun, but when I read it, I felt like I was being made an unwilling party to a dialogue of which I want no part. I've taken a few hours to cool off since I first read the email, so this is not a knee-jerk response. However, even after cooling off, I still felt it important that you know that just because you see my name in the "TO" box, doesn't mean I think the below is funny or appropriate.

I'm sorry if my response has made anyone uncomfortable, but I decided some things should not be left unsaid.

Sincerely,

Me

This was one of the more scary things I've ever sent out in my life. Not because I don't believe what I said, but because I was really putting myself out there. As soon as I hit send, I started thinking maybe I had made a mistake, made an enemy, etc. God bless my husband. For those of you who know him, he is extremely wise about when to speak out and when to keep quiet. As prudent as he is, he encouraged me to say what I thought and then after I hit send, reassured me that what I had done was "okay." I guess I care what people think of me after all.

A couple of hours later I got an apology (replied to all)- the ol' "I'm sorry I offended you." The sender then went on to say that he/she enjoyed (hold onto your skirts for this one) both "pro-republican and pro-democratic jokes alike" and he/she thought I, too, liked jokes from "all views." 

HOLY CATFISH! A political joke?? I don't know who the sender thought he/she was kidding, but none of the people I know on that email list are stupid enough to think a joke is "political" when it's subject is clearly a group of people who share similar skin pigment.

Secondly, "I'm sorry I offended you?" How about "I'm sorry I sent out something offensive. It was wrong." I guess I was in the wrong because I don't have a sense of humor. Who knew?

Well, I'm getting all worked up again. After I got the apology for offending my political senses, I just decided to reply with an "Of course I accept your apology," and to everyone else that I was not angry with the sender. Which is mostly true. I'm not mad so much as upset that I even had to go there. 

But, I'd rather feel a little anxious about what people might think of me than feel shame when I look my non-white child in the eye. After all, today it's a black joke, tomorrow it's a red joke. 

Every day I tell Annie how smart and beautiful and wonderful she is--and I speak in truth. Events like the one I described above scare me to death, because I fear no matter how much I love her and praise her and teach her that she is wonderful just as she was created, it won't matter. In a few years Annie will no doubt discover people all around who will never judge her on the content of her character. I just hope we can raise her to be strong enough to reject the noise of hate.

The Inauguration

I haven’t blogged in awhile, mostly because it’s been really busy, but I’ve also got to be in the mood to write—inspired if you will.

Well, the biggest thing that’s happened in my life since I wrote last is that Mike and I went to the Inauguration. It was really incredible, and incredibly cold. I shall relay the details of the day:

We got up and left our hotel at 6:00 a.m. bundled up with handwarmers, long underwear, hats, coats, gloves, etc. It’s amazing that a chill got thru all that gear, but let me tell you—it did! We walked to the “Blue Gate” with thousands of people. The route we took from our hotel took us thru an underground tunnel (usually used for cars, but obviously blocked off that day) and it was PACKED! The atmosphere was very cool. Folks were chanting and really excited to be there.

We got to our destination at 6:45 a.m. and proceeded to move maybe 40-50 yards over a 4-hour period. I’ve never stood in a sea of people like that. For those of you who know me pretty well, you know how I don’t really like to be touched—I prefer at least an 18” diameter around me at all times. Well, this was up close and personal! Good news is I didn’t have a panic attack, not even as we were rounding the corner to go thru security and everyone was really pressing hard into each other. It was one of those moments that if someone fell, they would literally be trampled to death.

Obviously we made it through security and proceeded to take in history with 2 million of our closest friends. What was truly amazing about the day was just the “vibe.” Even though we were packed like sardines with strangers, not one person was ever rude. I heard later that not a single person was arrested that day. Spontaneous singing would erupt every few minutes and we’d all get excited when we moved two feet! 

Although the day was hard, it was the experience of a lifetime and I am proud to say “I was there.”

Thoughts on Parenting, Part 1

I'm taking a great parenting class at church right now and it's being taught by two wonderful people. The first week we talked about having a plan/goals in raising our kids. At first, I thought maybe I didn't have a concrete plan, but as I've been thinking about it, I do. And the goals I have were ones I had thought about long before I even became a mother. Here are a couple of them:

1) When Annie she enters a room, other people are happy she's there.
2) When Annie encounters someone struggling or different than her, she feels empathy.

Obviously, this is not all-inclusive. But #1 is huge; it's the basis of most of my discipline. This is why I teach her that we say please and thank you, when someone prepares you a meal you eat it whether you like it or not, you treat others nicely, share, don't lie, steal, etc. Oh, and my favorite, "you don't talk to mommy and daddy (or insert whomever here) with an ugly mouth."

#2 is pretty big, too. Most of the jerks I know don't have the ability to understand other people's pain or feelings. Obviously, I don't want Annie to grow up to be a jerk.

When we pray with Annie, one of the little lines we often say with her is, "may Annie learn to the love the Lord with all her heart, soul, mind and strength and love her neighbor as herself. And may she grow in widsom, and stature and in favor with God and man, just like Jesus."

Hopefully, that prayer along with discipline and love will help Annie grow into a graceful young woman--despite all the mistakes I am surely making every day.

New Year Already?

Could another year have passed by? 2008 went by so quickly I can't even believe it.

2008 was not a great year, but not a bad year. Pretty blah although alot changed. Looking back, I think it's been pretty stressful which makes sense in that we moved into a house with many repair needs, I've unnecessarily worried about too many things and over-extended myself a few too many times. I'm hoping I'll do a little better with these issues in 2009.

Sticks and Stones

I'm not naive enough to think that everyone likes me--I'm confident I rub people the wrong way all the time! I'm loud, I sometimes tend to be a bit crass. I laugh when adults (and children) fall down.  I am always thinking of the very WORST that could happen and then forming contingency plans to deal with it. But for the most part, I think the people who know me, well, KNOW ME. Perhaps like me the way I am. Or perhaps not. Maybe I'm not making any sense. 

What I am trying to say is that you bop along in life, many times on your best behavior. You're kind to people, very specifically considerate and then you figure out, to some of them, it's just not enough. That's happened to me lately, and it's tough because I start to doubt myself. Am I enough? Maybe they are just tolerating me because on some level they have to? Am I so bad that I need constant correction? 

What I really should be considering is that maybe the problem isn't necessarily me, but, while that sounds nice on paper, the feelings of inadequacy still worm their way in. And fester.