Guess what? I don't have all the answers.

I think it's interesting how some of the folks with whom I attend church think that admitting to any doubt is somehow an indication of weak belief. I am sure this isn't unique to my community of faith but I imagine that if I were a new believer or someone struggling, hearing such sunny "I never waiver" declarations or "I always do X" could be really off-putting. 

I hope God leaves a little wiggle room for doubters, because I must admit, I often look at what I believe and think, "Am I kidding myself?" I look at the world and I see why people turn their back on belief; I totally get it. Sometimes I'm a "fake it 'til you make it" gal and I hope that in the end God says "Well done" all the same.

I'm trying to have some compassion for these super-optimistic-my-life-and-family-are perfect-we-always-believe-and-have-faith-matter-what people. It must be exhausting to teeter on such a high pedestal.

Comparing Ailments

Well, it's official: I'm old. 

This morning in my Cherokee language class, my teacher, two other classmates and I were discussing the places where we hurt. My prof is in his sixties. We both have the same pain in our heel and I was giving him tips on how to make it feel better. 

Also, my back is killing me after painting my daughter's room. And while my back aches like an arthritic grandma, I'm growing two new zits in my oily t-zone.  So now my shopping list reads: 

1. One pkg Doan's backache pills

2. Clearasil

Existential Crisis

It's not often that I grieve, mostly because, so far, my life has been pretty posh. Nothing bad has really happened in my immediate personal life. If you'd asked me if I really cared  about the suffering of those across the world, I would say "yes," but if I was truly being honest, the answer would be that I was indifferent. 

Sunday at church, the picture above was shown during the lesson. I'd seen it before-- probably years ago. It won a Pulitzer in 1994. But when I saw it on Sunday, it upset me so badly that I couldn't stop crying. The ache at my core was what I would expect if I lost someone close to me. When I saw that girl, I saw my own child and it made me sick, furious and filled with despair.

I don't know what's changed. Has becoming a mother made me more sensitive or is it just age that does it? Whatever it is, I'll tell you this: I had an existential crisis sitting on that pew. 

I wondered where was God for that girl and for the millions like her? Why do I give all this money to church when it could be better spent feeding the hungry? Why are we burning FOOD to fill our gas tanks? I was humiliated at the audacity of my desire for "stuff," when all some are begging for is a cup of clean water. Like I said, I had a moment-- and I don't know yet what to do about it.

My Rage

I really don't understand why it is so hard for people to follow thru with their obligations. This lack of integrity seems to be happening on many fronts in my immediate life and it leaves one (me) feeling helpless and angry. 

These feelings have been manifesting themselves in number of destructive ways-- something that I am going to have to control myself, but sometimes the rage just flies out of me-- more specifically, flies out of my mouth. I don't normally hit people, but my tongue is a double-edged sword. I think I remember reading something in the bible about that-- YIKES!

So, I guess I need to ask God for patience, and a more effective self-monitor.

The Election

I watched the VP debate last night with my stomach tied in knots. 

Let me say up front that I am voting Obama/Biden in this upcoming election, but that I have nothing but respect for the McCain/Palin ticket. That said, I shall continue.

I watched the VP debate last night with my stomach tied in knots because after watching the Sarah Palin/Katie Couric interview debacle, I just really wanted to NOT see that happen to her again. I'm sure many diehard Palin fans would downplay the horrendous nature of that interview but I've got to tell you, politics aside, it was hard to watch. And I don't for one minute believe Katie Couric's interview was "gotcha" or underhanded in any way. Couric did her job and was respectful. In my opinion, Palin simply wasn't prepared for the level of intensity that comes with an interview like that. She had a steep media training hill to climb in such a short time frame. 

So, as I geared up to watch my TIVOed Veep debate, I was actually nervous for her. Because I didn't want to see her humiliated. I know what it's like to walk in a room being an "outsider," a girl, the youngest and the least experienced but still having to meet the expectations that the job you're applying for demands. Even though what I've done professionally pales in comparison, I'm sure the anxiety I felt then was tenfold for her. And thinking about her possible anxiety made me anxious! 

I was pleasantly surprised. I thought both candidates did well. Who knows who "won." I found Biden very substantive, calm, well-spoken;  I thought Palin did a good job of connecting with her audience on an emotional level. Kudos to the folks who have been getting her ready for this debate. It could have gone better in some areas, but all in all, a good day.

If I agreed with Palin's politics, she would get my vote. But even though I do not agree with her on some issues, I was proud that she held her own. You go, girl!

Sidenote: I really miss Hillary. I am still sad about that. But, onward we go.

Extreme Makeover

Fall is here-- another year almost up, another birthday looming upon me. This is my second attempt to start a blog, and this time I hope to remember the email address and password I used to create this, thereby enabling me to continue said blog. I guess some of my natural blondeness (what's left anyway) is still in full force and effect.

2008 has been quite busy so far. In my usual style, I bit off more than I can chew; this time my delicacy of choice is a house that I thought would be a simple remodel. 

Here's a suggestion: If you ever think to yourself, "I think I'd like to buy a fixer-upper," please step away from whatever glue or spray paint you're huffing and know that you are delusional. No offense, but the project is bigger than you, more expensive than you think and altogether frustrating. And while you may believe that you'll one day look back and laugh about how stressed you were because it was all worth it in the end-- you won't and it probably wasn't. Perhaps I am pessimistic today. Check back to see if my attitude corrects itself.